An extinguished flame

A thought in mind, again arose Not for months, had it my emotions stoke. A memory, a lingering feel Not one that could be torn by the grief: "You are but near, yet you cannot see Anything else, apart from everything but me!"

And in this revelation, I cant forget what I've seen Not for a short time, and how happy you've been. Angelic and calm, beautiful and serene Noteworthy beauty, in your simplicity... Yearn for you, my whole life I know I shall Away from you, yet in my heart you'll always be an angel...who from the stars did fall

Who am I?

It gets so ridiculous. To the point where people don't even know who they really are.

So, I heard a friend giving advice to another friend. "Just be yourself."
And I thought to myself.."Hey! My motto!"
But then I thought.."Really? Is it anymore?"

A point where I've grown just so sick and tired of trying to live up to everyone's expectations. A point where I can't even be sure of who I ACTUALLY am.
I come to situations, where I know what I want to do. I also know, that maybe, some might call what I want to do morally grey. So what do I do?
If I do what I want, does that make me a bad person? If I do what everyone would expect me to do, am I not being who I am? It's so confusing!

I keep thinking, and I realise. So much I've changed about myself. The most critical thing being, that whenever I say or do a thing now, I THINK. And that's SO not what I used to be.
Being impulsive. Being carefree. Being true to who I am, that was what I always prided myself on. And now..well. *sigh*

So what should I do. Go along with the doctrine of right and wrong, which the society dictates? Or go along with my own personal doctrine I've followed for a long time? The doctrine of "I don't give a fuck. If you don't like me, get outta my face." Cause I can tell you one thing, my own personal one..lots more fun than the other.

So basically, I'm sitting here, thinking of all kinds of stuff, but not being able to decide.
I suppose the best decision is, to not decide. That's what I stood for, anyway. No tension, no worries. Just do what comes to you. Just go with the flow. Like I have been, for some time now.
It doesn't numb me in anyway. But yes, it does make me go through, feeling a hell lot better than I would otherwise.
It helps me take control, be more aware of what I really need. Makes me understand the importance of other, maybe smaller things in life. Smaller things like, well, my career, and my whole life. Cause that's what it's supposed to be.
Oh yeah, the last part wouldn't make much sense to anyone else. (I suggest put an English critic to work here. They'll probably take out the words, spread them on a platter, slice them up real nice, and make about a hundred proposals as to what it would mean, none of which would be right. But then again, that is their job now.)

So I'll sign off now, cause I've got 2 lab tests and a quiz tomorrow. And I THINK I have to study. Well, let's hope for the best. And that includes me being able to make a final decision. Let's see.

Bye-bye. See ya'll later! (Or maybe never. Who knows, I'm too moody. :P)

On losing a brother...

What do you do when your closest and dearest one turns against you? What option do you have left, when the person you considered family turns against you?What can you do, when someone you thought would always be by your side, not only leaves your side, but also stands against you? And that too, without even giving you so much as a hint.

You might be thinking, “Yea, he’s my mate. Whatever he’ll do, he’ll do for my good. Or at least, never think to do me any harm.” And yet, it turns out exactly opposite.Fooling you, deceiving you...for how long you don’t even know.

And you know what the worst part is? That you could NEVER have seen it coming. That’s why you couldn’t have been prepared.You could be wary of an enemy. You could be careful with someone whom you don’t trust. But with someone as close as your kin? No, I don’t think so.

I think it right, when I was told by my family. NEVER TRUST ANYONE.

I used to think, what bullshit! How can you live, when you don’t trust anyone? How can anyone be so paranoid as to think that years’ of comradeship would turn to nothing in a single moment?And something even worse. You don’t even know the reason for that. Why it all turned out this way. What went wrong. What happened.

You just hold your head, bind yourself together, curl up like a little girl, and think.

Just think. This could not have happened without your fault. There must be something, which you overlooked. Something that you might have done to offend your brother to this extent.Something, which you never noticed. Something that would make the person you love so much, hate you so much.

You might have seen that things aren’t as cool between you both like they used to be. But still, you never imagined all this. Something HAS happened.This is not just random. You probably can’t do anything about it now, but still. You’ve gotta try. You can’t afford to lose a brother this way.

All this time, when you were thinking, “Well, it didn’t turn out the way I wanted. But at least I tried, And my mate helped me.”Well, it was not so. It hasn’t been so for a long time now.

The realisation hurts. It hurts a lot. But you’ve got to get past it. You’ve got to mend things for the future. Talk it out. Ask him what went wrong. Apologise to him. See if you can make it alright.

YOU HAVE GOT TO MAKE IT ALRIGHT.

WHAT IS ALL THIS FOR? WHY HAVE YOU BEEN GIVEN THIS? ONE DAY, MAYBE YOU'LL FIND OUT...

I read somewhere today. "Love happens many times."

Really? It does? I don’t believe it. Crushes happen many times. But love? True love? Nah, I don’t think so.

The attachment. The feeling that the other person is a part of you. Severing it..it hurts. Take her away..you’re nothing. You’re incomplete. It’s all void.

You know you mean nothing. You know your love doesn’t matter. You know it’s all for nothing. But really, is it?

If there is God, all this cannot be just for nothing. He cannot give you all of this for nothing. He could not have designed fate this way for nothing. He has something planned for you. He didn’t just give you this passion to simply sit around.

Yes, maybe you’re not meant to get her. Maybe she’s not meant to be in your life ever. But something...something has been planned for you. Someday you’ll realise why this strength..or this weakness has been given to you.

LOVE. One single word. Encompassing your entire being. Meaning more to you than anything. And given to you...who never believed in it. Never wanted to be a part of it. Smirked at those who claimed they had it. Laughed at their fake and pathetic attempts to grab attention. And now, you’re a part of it. Or rather, love is a part of you. I don’t know...you contain it..and yet somehow it contains you too.

Consuming everything you have. Slowly. Dreadfully. Every last wish. Every last desire. You’re being left with nothing. Nothing except love. Love, which grows ever stronger. Which threatens to never give up, yet you know it should.

It gives you weaknesses. The absence of desire. The desire to laugh. The desire to be happy. The desire to be...anyone..or anything! It gave you reason to live, laugh, breathe. And yet now, as it grows stronger, it’s taking it all away. This can’t be good. You need desires. They’re a part of nature. Nothing should be able to take that away from you. And yet, it’s happening. How, you don’t know. Why, you don’t know. But it’s still happening.

It also gives you powers. The power to fake..almost anything. Faking laughter. Faking curiosity. Faking all desires. Faking concern. Because all of this doesn’t exist for you anymore. But you still fake it. Fake all the excitement. And it doesn’t even take much effort. It’s mechanical. It’s like you know what you should do, and your body, your expressions, all do that for you. They generate all the appropriate reactions for you, without your involvement.

It feels weird. Kind of like being trapped inside another person. But it helps. The acting part, you don’t have to do anything to get there. Are you splitting up? Maybe you are. But then again..maybe you’re not. It’s just like you’ve realised the truth. Of what matters. And what doesn’t. And your soul is helping you with it. It’s created a shield. To guard you from the outside world. To act according to what is expected. While inside you can concentrate. Deliberate. Think.

Will all this ever end? CAN all this ever end? You know what you know. But you can’t say it. You might sound fake. You might even sound insane. But you can’t help it. It’s just what it is.

You just hope. Keep hoping. Maybe one day you’ll understand it. You’ll understand it’s true purpose. Why was this done to you? One day, maybe you will get your answer.

...IN THE END, IT'S ALL WORTH IT

Why is it that being away from someone you love hurts so much?
Why does it make you miss them even more? Why does it matter so much, even when it is just a matter of a few days? And when it’s not like you do talk to that person a lot..and like that’s going to be diminished.

No, it’s something else. The reason the distance matters..is because it makes you feel that you can't be right next to her at a moment’s notice. It’s because it makes you realise that you can't look out for her now...even though you are perfectly sure there isn’t much to look out for. She’s not in any dire need of you...never has been, and it’s highly unlikely that she’s going to need you in the seven days you aren’t close to her!

You know all that...and yet you feel uncomfortable. You wish you had someone around her. Someone who can keep you updated on her. Someone whom you trust completely. Someone you are sure can and will take care of her. You wish..that you could always, at every moment, keep a watch on her well-being.

You don’t want her to be hurting, cause it hurts you. You don’t want her to be sad, cause it makes you gloomy. You don’t want her to be feeling lonely, cause it makes you feel depressed. You want her to be happy, and content, and peaceful, and elated. You want that for her, cause it brings you peace.

And yes, you miss her a lot. You wish you were close to her. You wish you never had to be away from her. You wish you could look after her, care for her, and protect her every day. You wish she was always safe. And that you were always sure of that. You want to ensure her happiness at all times. Because she’s now your everything. She’s now the reason you want to see, to breathe, to wake up every morning, to live.

I often asked myself, “Is this normal? Is this healthy?”.  I had doubts. How could such a passion exist? How could such a commitment be? It’s inexpressible. I’ve been trying to explain that for quite some time. But words always fall short. There’s always something missing. I don’t ask that now. It is, obviously, perfectly normal. It is perfectly healthy. It’s, like, healthier even. It brings immeasurable happiness. To know that the girl you love is safe. Is happy. Is protected.

That spark. That unique feel which she brings...it’s just so not what can be explained in words. I wish there was a way I could get others to feel what I could. Cause it’s so amazing! It’s like sunshine to someone locked up in a damp room for years! It’s like a breathe of fresh air! It’s like a gulp of cool water to a thirsty person! It’s like tree shade to a person who’s been burning in the sun for days! It’s...simply amazing.

When I see her, I forget everything else. It’s like she’s the only thing that matters. It’s like the whole world was created with the sole intention that she could exist. Without her, everything is null. It’s all meaningless. It carries no significance.

When I see her, I forget what I was about to do. For a second, it’s like I’m in some sort of a trance. I need to jerk myself back. To remember. To not look like a starry-eyed idiot. But it’s worth it.

The longing, the sadness, the fear of rejection, the sleepless nights, the incessant overthinking...in the end, it’s all worth it. Isn’t it?

THE INEXTINGUISHABLE FLAME...

Ever experienced how just a simple smile on someone’s face can bring you boundless happiness?  Seeing someone happy, enjoying themselves, make you even more happy?

Loving someone...this awesome feeling is what you can get when you are in love. Seeing her smile makes you want to smile. Seeing her content makes you want to sing...to dance!
Looking in her eyes for even a brief moment...and you can see your whole world there!

Looking at her..and knowing you’d be happily willing to spend your entire life with her. Knowing that you would stop at nothing to prevent that smile from being wiped from her face. Knowing that you could never bear to see a frown on that beautiful face.

Looking into those mysteriously beautiful eyes..and hoping that they could sense something. Something...just a tiny bit of what you feel!
Looking into those eyes..and wishing how you could just keep looking forever!
Wishing how you’d never have to look away..and how if only she’d never look away as well!

Knowing that your everything..your emotions, your feelings, you yourself are now hers. Knowing that she has somehow managed to become a pivotal point in all of your actions. Knowing how she’s in your every thought.

When someone else’s happiness brings you joy...know that you’re in love.

And that, my friend, is the epitome of happiness and satisfaction. You don’t need anything else in the world. You can just live with that feeling forever. You can just sit through your entire life happily if you knew she was happy too. It’s like a flame which cannot be extinguished. It would last forever.

You can just keep loving for the rest of your life. Unconditional, irrevocable love...

PATIENCE IS WHAT I'LL HAVE TO KEEP. AND PAIN IS WHAT I'LL HAVE TO BEAR...

Five blog entries within 26 hours. You’d think I have nothing better to do.
Well, you’d be right. I don’t.

Right now, all I need is a platform to vent out my feelings and emotions. I’ve been trying stuff. Strangers on the net don’t help. If  by mistake, you do find someone decent enough willing to help, their advice is way too naive, or way too obvious. Besides, I’m starting to think that doing that is for losers.

Don’t tell me that I should wait. Don’t tell me I should try to find out if she likes me or not. Don’t tell me that if there’s no chance, I should move on and get a life. I know all that.

But the problem is..I can’t!  I can’t move on! And I’ve been told countless times that I don’t have a shot! Now what can I do? I’ve been whining for days now. Didn’t even attend any classes today. Thank God I have the next three days off. Hope the whining part goes away by then.

Now what is there left to do. My mind was about to burst when the idea of a blog came to me. The perfect place to let out my emotions. The perfect place where I wouldn’t have to worry about going overboard.

Almost all day I sat in front of my computer chatting with strangers. Didn’t help.

Went out for tea and a pool session with my friends. Didn’t help.

Had a chat with my mom. Didn’t help. (Though I did find out she wasn’t upset with me..at least that’s a relief.)

And now I’m back at my room and in front of my laptop. And I couldn’t think of anything else to do other than write.
So, the problem at hand. All I can do is wait, right? Right?

Wrong!!
I can tell her how I feel straight-away. I can confess my love for her.

But “no good” can come of that, I’m told. I’ll have to hear  the ‘No’.
Trust me, if it was up to me, I’d go to her right now and tell her about my feelings.
But bless my friends, they won’t let me. They say I’ll regret it later. Huh, maybe I will. But right now I don’t care. All I want is for her to know how much I feel for her, care for her, love her...and I run out of words now.

It seems my only option now is to wait. And try to make her like me more. I mean, we are kind of friends. Maybe she’ll start liking me eventually. Maybe..if I do succeed in making her feel for me just a fraction of what I do for her..my job will be done.

I hope that happens someday. I hope.
And as for now, patience is what I’ll have to keep. And pain is what I’ll have to bear.