Who am I?

It gets so ridiculous. To the point where people don't even know who they really are.

So, I heard a friend giving advice to another friend. "Just be yourself."
And I thought to myself.."Hey! My motto!"
But then I thought.."Really? Is it anymore?"

A point where I've grown just so sick and tired of trying to live up to everyone's expectations. A point where I can't even be sure of who I ACTUALLY am.
I come to situations, where I know what I want to do. I also know, that maybe, some might call what I want to do morally grey. So what do I do?
If I do what I want, does that make me a bad person? If I do what everyone would expect me to do, am I not being who I am? It's so confusing!

I keep thinking, and I realise. So much I've changed about myself. The most critical thing being, that whenever I say or do a thing now, I THINK. And that's SO not what I used to be.
Being impulsive. Being carefree. Being true to who I am, that was what I always prided myself on. And now..well. *sigh*

So what should I do. Go along with the doctrine of right and wrong, which the society dictates? Or go along with my own personal doctrine I've followed for a long time? The doctrine of "I don't give a fuck. If you don't like me, get outta my face." Cause I can tell you one thing, my own personal one..lots more fun than the other.

So basically, I'm sitting here, thinking of all kinds of stuff, but not being able to decide.
I suppose the best decision is, to not decide. That's what I stood for, anyway. No tension, no worries. Just do what comes to you. Just go with the flow. Like I have been, for some time now.
It doesn't numb me in anyway. But yes, it does make me go through, feeling a hell lot better than I would otherwise.
It helps me take control, be more aware of what I really need. Makes me understand the importance of other, maybe smaller things in life. Smaller things like, well, my career, and my whole life. Cause that's what it's supposed to be.
Oh yeah, the last part wouldn't make much sense to anyone else. (I suggest put an English critic to work here. They'll probably take out the words, spread them on a platter, slice them up real nice, and make about a hundred proposals as to what it would mean, none of which would be right. But then again, that is their job now.)

So I'll sign off now, cause I've got 2 lab tests and a quiz tomorrow. And I THINK I have to study. Well, let's hope for the best. And that includes me being able to make a final decision. Let's see.

Bye-bye. See ya'll later! (Or maybe never. Who knows, I'm too moody. :P)

On losing a brother...

What do you do when your closest and dearest one turns against you? What option do you have left, when the person you considered family turns against you?What can you do, when someone you thought would always be by your side, not only leaves your side, but also stands against you? And that too, without even giving you so much as a hint.

You might be thinking, “Yea, he’s my mate. Whatever he’ll do, he’ll do for my good. Or at least, never think to do me any harm.” And yet, it turns out exactly opposite.Fooling you, deceiving you...for how long you don’t even know.

And you know what the worst part is? That you could NEVER have seen it coming. That’s why you couldn’t have been prepared.You could be wary of an enemy. You could be careful with someone whom you don’t trust. But with someone as close as your kin? No, I don’t think so.

I think it right, when I was told by my family. NEVER TRUST ANYONE.

I used to think, what bullshit! How can you live, when you don’t trust anyone? How can anyone be so paranoid as to think that years’ of comradeship would turn to nothing in a single moment?And something even worse. You don’t even know the reason for that. Why it all turned out this way. What went wrong. What happened.

You just hold your head, bind yourself together, curl up like a little girl, and think.

Just think. This could not have happened without your fault. There must be something, which you overlooked. Something that you might have done to offend your brother to this extent.Something, which you never noticed. Something that would make the person you love so much, hate you so much.

You might have seen that things aren’t as cool between you both like they used to be. But still, you never imagined all this. Something HAS happened.This is not just random. You probably can’t do anything about it now, but still. You’ve gotta try. You can’t afford to lose a brother this way.

All this time, when you were thinking, “Well, it didn’t turn out the way I wanted. But at least I tried, And my mate helped me.”Well, it was not so. It hasn’t been so for a long time now.

The realisation hurts. It hurts a lot. But you’ve got to get past it. You’ve got to mend things for the future. Talk it out. Ask him what went wrong. Apologise to him. See if you can make it alright.

YOU HAVE GOT TO MAKE IT ALRIGHT.