WHAT IS ALL THIS FOR? WHY HAVE YOU BEEN GIVEN THIS? ONE DAY, MAYBE YOU'LL FIND OUT...

I read somewhere today. "Love happens many times."

Really? It does? I don’t believe it. Crushes happen many times. But love? True love? Nah, I don’t think so.

The attachment. The feeling that the other person is a part of you. Severing it..it hurts. Take her away..you’re nothing. You’re incomplete. It’s all void.

You know you mean nothing. You know your love doesn’t matter. You know it’s all for nothing. But really, is it?

If there is God, all this cannot be just for nothing. He cannot give you all of this for nothing. He could not have designed fate this way for nothing. He has something planned for you. He didn’t just give you this passion to simply sit around.

Yes, maybe you’re not meant to get her. Maybe she’s not meant to be in your life ever. But something...something has been planned for you. Someday you’ll realise why this strength..or this weakness has been given to you.

LOVE. One single word. Encompassing your entire being. Meaning more to you than anything. And given to you...who never believed in it. Never wanted to be a part of it. Smirked at those who claimed they had it. Laughed at their fake and pathetic attempts to grab attention. And now, you’re a part of it. Or rather, love is a part of you. I don’t know...you contain it..and yet somehow it contains you too.

Consuming everything you have. Slowly. Dreadfully. Every last wish. Every last desire. You’re being left with nothing. Nothing except love. Love, which grows ever stronger. Which threatens to never give up, yet you know it should.

It gives you weaknesses. The absence of desire. The desire to laugh. The desire to be happy. The desire to be...anyone..or anything! It gave you reason to live, laugh, breathe. And yet now, as it grows stronger, it’s taking it all away. This can’t be good. You need desires. They’re a part of nature. Nothing should be able to take that away from you. And yet, it’s happening. How, you don’t know. Why, you don’t know. But it’s still happening.

It also gives you powers. The power to fake..almost anything. Faking laughter. Faking curiosity. Faking all desires. Faking concern. Because all of this doesn’t exist for you anymore. But you still fake it. Fake all the excitement. And it doesn’t even take much effort. It’s mechanical. It’s like you know what you should do, and your body, your expressions, all do that for you. They generate all the appropriate reactions for you, without your involvement.

It feels weird. Kind of like being trapped inside another person. But it helps. The acting part, you don’t have to do anything to get there. Are you splitting up? Maybe you are. But then again..maybe you’re not. It’s just like you’ve realised the truth. Of what matters. And what doesn’t. And your soul is helping you with it. It’s created a shield. To guard you from the outside world. To act according to what is expected. While inside you can concentrate. Deliberate. Think.

Will all this ever end? CAN all this ever end? You know what you know. But you can’t say it. You might sound fake. You might even sound insane. But you can’t help it. It’s just what it is.

You just hope. Keep hoping. Maybe one day you’ll understand it. You’ll understand it’s true purpose. Why was this done to you? One day, maybe you will get your answer.

...IN THE END, IT'S ALL WORTH IT

Why is it that being away from someone you love hurts so much?
Why does it make you miss them even more? Why does it matter so much, even when it is just a matter of a few days? And when it’s not like you do talk to that person a lot..and like that’s going to be diminished.

No, it’s something else. The reason the distance matters..is because it makes you feel that you can't be right next to her at a moment’s notice. It’s because it makes you realise that you can't look out for her now...even though you are perfectly sure there isn’t much to look out for. She’s not in any dire need of you...never has been, and it’s highly unlikely that she’s going to need you in the seven days you aren’t close to her!

You know all that...and yet you feel uncomfortable. You wish you had someone around her. Someone who can keep you updated on her. Someone whom you trust completely. Someone you are sure can and will take care of her. You wish..that you could always, at every moment, keep a watch on her well-being.

You don’t want her to be hurting, cause it hurts you. You don’t want her to be sad, cause it makes you gloomy. You don’t want her to be feeling lonely, cause it makes you feel depressed. You want her to be happy, and content, and peaceful, and elated. You want that for her, cause it brings you peace.

And yes, you miss her a lot. You wish you were close to her. You wish you never had to be away from her. You wish you could look after her, care for her, and protect her every day. You wish she was always safe. And that you were always sure of that. You want to ensure her happiness at all times. Because she’s now your everything. She’s now the reason you want to see, to breathe, to wake up every morning, to live.

I often asked myself, “Is this normal? Is this healthy?”.  I had doubts. How could such a passion exist? How could such a commitment be? It’s inexpressible. I’ve been trying to explain that for quite some time. But words always fall short. There’s always something missing. I don’t ask that now. It is, obviously, perfectly normal. It is perfectly healthy. It’s, like, healthier even. It brings immeasurable happiness. To know that the girl you love is safe. Is happy. Is protected.

That spark. That unique feel which she brings...it’s just so not what can be explained in words. I wish there was a way I could get others to feel what I could. Cause it’s so amazing! It’s like sunshine to someone locked up in a damp room for years! It’s like a breathe of fresh air! It’s like a gulp of cool water to a thirsty person! It’s like tree shade to a person who’s been burning in the sun for days! It’s...simply amazing.

When I see her, I forget everything else. It’s like she’s the only thing that matters. It’s like the whole world was created with the sole intention that she could exist. Without her, everything is null. It’s all meaningless. It carries no significance.

When I see her, I forget what I was about to do. For a second, it’s like I’m in some sort of a trance. I need to jerk myself back. To remember. To not look like a starry-eyed idiot. But it’s worth it.

The longing, the sadness, the fear of rejection, the sleepless nights, the incessant overthinking...in the end, it’s all worth it. Isn’t it?

THE INEXTINGUISHABLE FLAME...

Ever experienced how just a simple smile on someone’s face can bring you boundless happiness?  Seeing someone happy, enjoying themselves, make you even more happy?

Loving someone...this awesome feeling is what you can get when you are in love. Seeing her smile makes you want to smile. Seeing her content makes you want to sing...to dance!
Looking in her eyes for even a brief moment...and you can see your whole world there!

Looking at her..and knowing you’d be happily willing to spend your entire life with her. Knowing that you would stop at nothing to prevent that smile from being wiped from her face. Knowing that you could never bear to see a frown on that beautiful face.

Looking into those mysteriously beautiful eyes..and hoping that they could sense something. Something...just a tiny bit of what you feel!
Looking into those eyes..and wishing how you could just keep looking forever!
Wishing how you’d never have to look away..and how if only she’d never look away as well!

Knowing that your everything..your emotions, your feelings, you yourself are now hers. Knowing that she has somehow managed to become a pivotal point in all of your actions. Knowing how she’s in your every thought.

When someone else’s happiness brings you joy...know that you’re in love.

And that, my friend, is the epitome of happiness and satisfaction. You don’t need anything else in the world. You can just live with that feeling forever. You can just sit through your entire life happily if you knew she was happy too. It’s like a flame which cannot be extinguished. It would last forever.

You can just keep loving for the rest of your life. Unconditional, irrevocable love...

PATIENCE IS WHAT I'LL HAVE TO KEEP. AND PAIN IS WHAT I'LL HAVE TO BEAR...

Five blog entries within 26 hours. You’d think I have nothing better to do.
Well, you’d be right. I don’t.

Right now, all I need is a platform to vent out my feelings and emotions. I’ve been trying stuff. Strangers on the net don’t help. If  by mistake, you do find someone decent enough willing to help, their advice is way too naive, or way too obvious. Besides, I’m starting to think that doing that is for losers.

Don’t tell me that I should wait. Don’t tell me I should try to find out if she likes me or not. Don’t tell me that if there’s no chance, I should move on and get a life. I know all that.

But the problem is..I can’t!  I can’t move on! And I’ve been told countless times that I don’t have a shot! Now what can I do? I’ve been whining for days now. Didn’t even attend any classes today. Thank God I have the next three days off. Hope the whining part goes away by then.

Now what is there left to do. My mind was about to burst when the idea of a blog came to me. The perfect place to let out my emotions. The perfect place where I wouldn’t have to worry about going overboard.

Almost all day I sat in front of my computer chatting with strangers. Didn’t help.

Went out for tea and a pool session with my friends. Didn’t help.

Had a chat with my mom. Didn’t help. (Though I did find out she wasn’t upset with me..at least that’s a relief.)

And now I’m back at my room and in front of my laptop. And I couldn’t think of anything else to do other than write.
So, the problem at hand. All I can do is wait, right? Right?

Wrong!!
I can tell her how I feel straight-away. I can confess my love for her.

But “no good” can come of that, I’m told. I’ll have to hear  the ‘No’.
Trust me, if it was up to me, I’d go to her right now and tell her about my feelings.
But bless my friends, they won’t let me. They say I’ll regret it later. Huh, maybe I will. But right now I don’t care. All I want is for her to know how much I feel for her, care for her, love her...and I run out of words now.

It seems my only option now is to wait. And try to make her like me more. I mean, we are kind of friends. Maybe she’ll start liking me eventually. Maybe..if I do succeed in making her feel for me just a fraction of what I do for her..my job will be done.

I hope that happens someday. I hope.
And as for now, patience is what I’ll have to keep. And pain is what I’ll have to bear.

....AND AGAIN IT HAPPENS

17^th Feb, 2012:  How does it feel like to get some proper dream-less sleep after quite a while? Well, I found that out just now.

So, there’s this girl in my life(as anyone who has read my previous entries might have guessed) that I’ve fallen in love with. And she’s EVERYWHERE !

In my thoughts, in my dreams, in my actions. I finally was able to fall asleep at 02:00 AM thinking of her. Exhaustion does finally take a toll it seems, then.

Anyways, I finally wake up now at 05:20 AM all relaxed(three and a half hour of relaxed sleep is all I’m capable of now) and the first thought in my mind: HER.
And why? Why her? There’s a lot of things going on around of me. Hostel thefts.
A good friend probably being sexually harassed by his room-mate. A best friend’s birthday just around the corner. And by the way, he’s turning 20. Congratulations, dude! :D 

Anyways, lots of stuff going around. Like the fact that my mom seems upset with me for some reason. Hasn’t called in two days. And that my brother’s girlfriend called twice today offering advice on how to woo my lady. My best friend/room-mate somehow diverging from our unspoken protocol and starting preparing for exams 10 days before they’re actually starting! I mean, come on dude, how lame is that? :P
All this, and yet, nothing comes to my mind when I wake up...but her!
She, who doesn’t even recognise that I love her.

She, who probably is never gonna be mine anyways.

She, for whom I’m willing to change every aspect of me(which really is not cool as per the past, non starry-eyed me).

Her best friend tells me that I don’t stand a chance in hell of ever winning her affections. And maybe that’s true. Maybe she IS too good for me.
But then again, is she though?

I mean, yes, her smile is the most beautiful smile in the world.

Yes, her eyes are more beautiful than the most beautiful  stones in the world.

Yes, her voice is sweeter than the best symphony ever composed.

Yes, she’s more intelligent than any other girl I’ve met.
Yes, she’s more sensible than any too.

Yes, she smells better than the morning wet earth in monsoons.

Yes, she’s cuter than a freaking teddy any day.
BUT...

No, she doesn’t love me.

Shouldn’t that lone reason suffice? I mean, obviously, I’m not ready to give up now. But then I wonder, if all my efforts turn out to be in vain, will I be hurting more than if I’d just given up now?
Maybe yes. Probably, yes. Definitely, yes. But I can’t bear to live in a state of wonder. “Could she have been mine?” I can’t risk that. I don’t want to be regretting that the rest of my life.

Of course I’m not going to give up without a fight. I’m going to try my best. And then go for the final face-to-face. And then, if I return broken, I’m going to figure out the other aspects of my life.

It doesn’t matter now whether she loves me or not. What matters is that I care for her. What matters is that I can’t see her in any pain.

What matters is that I want to protect her, forever.

What matters, friends, is that I LOVE HER.

...................................................................................................................

WHY?!! Can someone answer me please!!

WHAT is wrong with the shit going on in your head?
Can’t you see the look in someone’s eyes?

Don’t you realize how much someone is in love with you?

Don’t you realize how lucky you are that someone loves you so much?

Don’t you see how my face changes when I look at you?

Don’t you know what people might do to get what you have? True love?

Don’t you realize how hard it is to find?

Don’t you get what I can do for you?

Don’t you see how much pain someone is in just because of you?

Why did you have to be so damn good-natured?

Why did you have to be so damn lovable?

Why did you have to be so damn cute?

No, but I guess it’s not your fault, is it?

It’s all my fault. Why did I have to be such a complete head over heels idiot for you? Why did I have to fall in love with you? A stupid girl who believes in such nonsense as palmistry? Why did I have to be such a jerk who would fall for someone who can’t even recognise true love in the eyes of the person who has it for her? Why did I have to love you?

Why did I have to love anyone, for that matter? Why did I have to be the enemy of my own happiness?
I’m going insane. Every moment...every fucking second! Why is it only you that I think of? WHY THE HELL can’t I get you out of my head? What kind of an obsession is this?

What madness is this? Why did this have to be this way? Why did I not fall in love with someone who could love me back? Why did I not fall in love with someone, who would at least be willing to appreciate my love?

Why is it that everytime I hear your name..every fibre of my being vibrates? Why?

Why is it that I can’t bear  to even think of a universe where you wouldn’t exist?

Why is it that I cannot even begin to fathom what was the point of my existence before I knew you? Why is it that I do not care about anything or anyone even nearly as much as I do about you?

WHY??

Somebody answer me please..or my head is going to explode!

Oh, I wish I could say this to you...

I miss you when you're not around.
I think about you all the time.
I can't imagine a scenario wherein you wouldn't exist.
I can't think of a universe where you wouldn't be.
You make the world look beautiful.
You make the world a place worth living.
You make life shine out of every orifice of every being.
You create an aura of love and hope.
You make me feel like one half of a jigsaw puzzle...waiting to be completed by the other half.
You make me want to dream. To hope. To smile. To laugh. You make me want to live.

I can't think of living in a world where you don't. I want you to know this. I want you to know..that I'm in love with you. I want you to know that I'll love you for the rest of my life.
I want you to know that it matters to me the most whether you smile or not. I want you to know that I'm going to protect you forever. I want you to know that I'm going to be there for you whenever you need me.
I want you to know that I have, still do..and always will..love you from the depths of my heart.

Love...something I wrote a while back.

LOVE is when the person of your dreams is always in your thoughts.
It's when you see her face everywhere, no matter where you are.
It's when you think about her all the time, no matter what.
It's when you want her to be with you at all times, no matter how good or how bad.
It's when you always want to see her smiling, regardless of your own emotions.
It's when every pleasant smell, reminds you of the way she smells.
It's when every beautiful thing, reminds you of the way she looks.
It's when every melodious harmony, reminds you of the beautiful sound of her voice.
It's when no matter how down in the dumps you are, a simple 'Hi!' or 'What's the matter?' makes your day.
It's when everytime you see her name on your cell, you skip a heartbeat.
It's when everytime you see her face, you think that you're the luckiest man on this planet.
It's when everytime you're with her, you feel like you would do anything, be anything for her.

Love is much more than just that. Love is a feeling of immeasurable happiness, and yet immeasurable pain, both at once, but yet somehow both these feelings coming together in a perfect blend of harmony as though nature had designed it that way. It offers a pain which can only be numbed by the happiness offered by the same love.

Love is something you can never describe in words. It can only be felt. By a few lucky ones.
And if you're even more insanely lucky, maybe the girl you love will love you back. And then..you'll find heaven on earth.